7 - Mastering the Rules Framework

Toye Oyelese

Welcome back, friends, to Navigating Uncertainty. It's Dr. Toye Oyelese here, and today—well, today is one of those episodes where I feel like I'm sharing the one tool that's avoided more arguments and hair-pulling, whether in parenting, at the clinic, or anywhere systems lurk. The Rules Framework: it's four steps, plain and simple, but don't let that simplicity fool you. If you've listened to past episodes, especially when we dug into the Process Method and Primary Responsibility, you'll hear echoes here. This, though—this is that “how do I move forward in a game that seems rigged against me?” tool. And believe me, every parent and child needs it in their pocket.

Toye Oyelese

Okay—let's get these steps out of the way before my nerves make me triple-check the pronunciation of “bureaucracy” again. First: Identify the system. Second: Know the rules. Third: Map your choices. Fourth: Choose and act. That's it. But, as always, the magic is in the execution.

Toye Oyelese

Let me tell you a story from my own life, because, well, that's how I learned all this. When I showed up in Canada, Nigerian medical degree in hand, I figured, “Surely, medicine is medicine, right?” Oh, I was naïve. The system was Canadian medical licensing—a completely different game. They didn't care that I could read ECGs or that I once led a rural diabetes project. “Do our exams, redo residency, start over.” I was upset, frustrated, I'll admit. But the Rules Framework—though I didn't call it that yet—kicked in. I stopped fuming that the rules ought to be different and focused on what they actually were. Work any job to survive, study after hours, take exams, prove myself—again. That was the path. It wasn't fair, but clear-eyed thinking made it doable.

Toye Oyelese

So, if you're wondering, “How do I teach my child to spot when they're stuck in a system?” that's really the heart here. Usually it starts with frustration. Instead of leaping to fix or to fight, help them ask, “What game am I actually playing?” You can't change the outcome until you understand the context—the real one, not the one you wish were there. And for parents: There's always the urge to step in, make a scene, demand justice. Sometimes that's the right move, but often, especially for our kids, the better lesson is how to see the field first. Once you're looking at reality—warts and all—now you can start thinking strategically, not just reacting emotionally.

Toye Oyelese

Let me bring this home with a family example. My son—he must've been twelve—storms through the door, slams his bag on the counter. “Dad, the teacher marked me down because I didn't do the dumb three-sentence intro. It's pointless. She hates my writing.” And, uh, there's a part of every parent that wants to grab the phone, play hero, right? But instead, I saw an opening for the Rules Framework.

Toye Oyelese

I asked, “What system are you in?” He just gave me that look—the one that says, “You're being weird again, Dad.” But eventually, he figured it out: he's not up against School, capital S, or English as a grand discipline. He's dealing with this English teacher, her marking system, her class. Step one—check.

Toye Oyelese

Now, what are her actual rules? Grudgingly, he spelled them out— intro format, topic sentences, conclusion repeats. It didn't matter if he thought they were silly; those were the rules on the table. Next came mapping his choices: follow the format and probably get a better grade, keep doing it “his way” and keep getting marked down, maybe ask for flexibility, or even switch to another teacher. And then, the kicker—what was his goal? And which option led there?

Toye Oyelese

He chose to follow the format. Even called it “selling out” for a minute, but he did it—and his grades went up. But—here’s the thing—it wasn't compliance I was after; it was capability. Two years later, he hit a similar wall, and on his own said, “I did the four steps, here’s my decision.” That, for me, was the win.

Toye Oyelese

And this isn’t just essays or classrooms—it’s everywhere, especially where stakes feel personal. My other son, on his sports team, came to me frustrated: “Coach always plays favorites. I’m working harder, I’m better—I still sit on the bench.” Alright—time for the framework. “What system?” The coach’s own secret scoreboard. “What are his true rules?” Turned out, it wasn’t just skill—it was attitude, coming to optional practices, maybe even seniority. Suddenly: more choices. Grit teeth and play along, accept the bench, switch teams, or quit. He wanted to play, so he did the things coach actually rewarded. His time on the field went up—not because the system became miraculously fair, but because he became strategic within it.

Toye Oyelese

And, you know, we all want justice—it’s built in. But feeling stuck, believing “I have no real choices,” is rarely true, for kids or adults. Most times, we just don’t like our options, or we haven’t stepped back to see the true lay of the land. Strategic thinking starts with that honest self-inventory of “What can I actually do? What do I want most here?” Even if your choices are all imperfect—at least you’re acting with intention, not just reacting in frustration.

Toye Oyelese

I think about this a lot now, looking at my sons, but also at patients—even colleagues—who bump up against unfair rules. Being strategic is different from being a pushover, and it's not about surrendering your values. It’s about understanding the game before you decide how you want to play. I mean, sometimes you genuinely do want to challenge the system. And sometimes, you want to get through it and get on with your life. The framework just makes that choice explicit, rather than defaulting to helplessness or outrage.

Toye Oyelese

Here's the last bit—maybe the most important, though most folks want to skip it after step four. The world changes. The system, the rules, sometimes even your goals—they’re all in motion. That’s why reassessment is part of the process. It’s not a “set it and forget it” thing. After each step, it helps to pause and ask: Did I pick the right system? Have the rules changed on me? Are my mapped choices still valid? Is my goal still what I thought? It’s the difference between getting stuck and staying nimble.

Toye Oyelese

This happens in real life all the time—workplaces shift, teachers change, rules get updated. It’s not a failure to need to loop back and reconsider; it’s actually the mark of someone thinking strategically. I always tell my sons and patients alike: you can’t navigate effectively if you’re using last year’s map. So don’t be afraid to pause, reassess, and redraw the map as needed.

Toye Oyelese

Now, a quick word about tools—I wanted to make this easier for folks, so I worked with a very patient AI (and no, don’t ask me to pronounce GPT-3 quickly) to build the online Rules Framework tool at therulesframework.com. It’s essentially walking you, or your child, through this whole thinking process—but as a conversation, not a checklist, and definitely not a lecture. The tool prompts you to name the system, tease out the real rules, force you to write down every option, not just your favorites, and then work out what really serves your bigger goals.

Toye Oyelese

I built it because, in my clinic and life, I kept seeing all sorts of people—kids, parents, staff—totally stuck. They'd rant about “how things should be” but never moved forward. Decision paralysis, you know? Sometimes you need a non-judgmental, gently annoying prompt to get specific and move past the haze.

Toye Oyelese

Try it yourself next time you're faced with a bureaucratic black hole or a frustrating family squabble. Sit next to your child (or, honestly, let them take the lead), plug in your scenario, and see what comes up. Sometimes just getting it out of your head and into conversation is enough to reveal a next step—one you wouldn’t have seen when you were stuck in the “it’s not fair!” spiral.

Toye Oyelese

One last thing—using this framework, or even modeling it for your child, isn’t about endorsing injustice. Sometimes you really do need to push back, to protest, to seek change. But understanding the actual system first—well, that lets you choose your battles with clarity, wisdom, maybe even a little peace. If nothing else, you avoid burning out fighting every rule and get better at spotting which fights truly matter to you or your family.

Toye Oyelese

So, wrapping up: the power here is in learning how to think, not just what to think. And honestly, that’s a skill your child—and you—will use long after essay formats and sports teams fade away. Next time, we’ll talk about what this all builds towards: deeper relationship, real alignment of values, and the line between love and respect as your child grows into adulthood. Until then, I’m Dr. Toye Oyelese, wishing you clarity and a bit of gentle courage as you face the systems in your own life. Thanks for listening.