8 - Love and Respect

Toye Oyelese

Welcome back, friends. This is Dr. Toye Oyelese, and you’re listening to Navigating Uncertainty. It’s been quite a journey, hasn’t it? If you’ve made it through all the previous episodes—from the boy who couldn’t see, to Primary Responsibility, to the Rules Framework—well, you’re more patient than I ever was raising two boys under the same roof! But today, we’re pulling all those threads together. What’s all this for—why do we wrestle with these messy, unpredictable relationships with our kids? It boils down to this: at the end of all your frameworks and good intentions, what you’re building is actually a relationship. Not just a compliant kid. Not a perfect mini-me. But a real, living connection.

Toye Oyelese

Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably fallen into one of two traps, usually before breakfast—either your own needs take over, maybe because you’re exhausted or worried about the future, or your child’s short-term wants become the center of gravity. Sometimes it’s like, “Am I raising a child here or running a customer service hotline?” If you tilt too far in either direction—parent dominating, or child’s wants running the show—everyone loses. Resentment sneaks in. You get those unspoken debts: “I do all this for you!” or “You never listen to me!” It’s not just theoretical—this stuff poisons the roots of trust over years.

Toye Oyelese

So, let me take you back to my own beginnings in Canada. New country, thick Nigerian accent, and a waiting room full of folks who, let’s just say, were a little skeptical of a doc with my name and voice. I realized very quickly that trust couldn’t be demanded. I had to earn it, one conversation at a time, by actually listening. It was slow—agonizingly slow. But those little investments built mutual respect, not just toleration. Why am I bringing this up? Because it’s the same with our kids. If your connection is all about your needs, or you’re always bending to their every demand, nothing real gets built between you. Mutual value—that’s what a good relationship looks like. Both people matter, and both needs are seen. That’s the foundation. But it doesn’t happen by accident.

Toye Oyelese

Enter what I like to call the Oyelese Principle: “The one who cares the most owns the problem.” I see so many parents worn out because, well, they care so much—and their kids… not so much, at least about the same things. Homework is the classic. You’re tracking, reminding, suffering—and your child has quietly learned to wait for you to worry. That’s misaligned values. What you care about and what they care about are pointed in different directions, and of course, that drags both of you down.

Toye Oyelese

So, how do you shift that dynamic? Let’s get concrete—say your child wants more screen time. Instead of another lecture (believe me, my sons could recite mine word for word by age twelve), try connecting what they value—independence, freedom, maybe just time for their games—to what you want: responsibility. “Screen time is earned by doing your homework without me reminding you—show me responsibility, you get what you want.” All of a sudden, you’re both on the same team for homework—not because anyone suddenly loves algebra, but because you’ve connected their motivation to the skills you want them to develop.

Toye Oyelese

That’s value alignment. I used this endlessly when raising my boys. I didn’t try to force them to care about what I cared about. I just showed them that the path to what they wanted—respect, freedom, independence—ran right through responsibility and capability. My job wasn’t to convince them responsibility is virtuous, but to say: “If you want me to treat you like you can handle things, show me you actually can.” That made everything less of a battlefield and more of a partnership. And honestly, it was less exhausting. Well, only a little.

Toye Oyelese

If you want to do this at home, it’s three steps. First—figure out what your child honestly values right now, not what you wish they did. Second—ask yourself, what capability are you actually trying to help them build? Third—show them, clearly and concretely, how those two things connect. For my sons, often it was about treating them with the respect they desperately wanted, and setting the path: “Handle your business, keep your word, and respect follows.” I wanted them to be capable; they wanted my trust and space. When those things met, everyone grew.

Toye Oyelese

Now, let’s shift to what I think is the heart of healthy parenting: understanding the difference between love and respect. I wrote this to my sons when they were teenagers—maybe a bit dramatic, sounded better on paper than out loud, but here goes: “You are guaranteed my love, but you will have to earn my respect.” That’s crucial. Love is unconditional. It’s not affected by failure, bad decisions, or even moments of disappointment. Your child gets it because they exist and they’re yours. Respect, though—that’s something they earn, by showing capability, responsibility, by handling the tough stuff even when it’s uncomfortable.

Toye Oyelese

Let me tell you about the ‘lying conversation’—one of those moments you hope are rare. One of my boys was lying about where he was… again. Third time in two months—I was angry, sure, and worried, too. But that was exactly when living the love-respect distinction mattered. I told him, “I love you. Nothing changes that. But I don’t respect this choice. Because I know what you’re capable of, and when you lie, you’re not showing me that.” Did it fix things overnight? No. But it gave him a stable place to stand. Love wasn’t at risk—so he could focus on earning respect back, instead of just earning his way back into the relationship.

Toye Oyelese

Here’s the power of that distinction. If everything your child does earns the same response—whether they rise to the occasion or avoid it—then respect means nothing, and motivation dries up. If love becomes conditional on performance, that’s not support—it’s anxiety. Both are needed. Love gives them security, and respect challenges them to become capable. Over time—through Primary Responsibility, through rules, through process—your child learns: respect isn’t about being perfect, but about consistently showing up for themselves. My favorite way to put it—“I love you, but I don’t love this choice. Show me what you can do.” Or, when they rise to the occasion, “That’s what earns my respect. That’s you stepping up.”

Toye Oyelese

Look, the hard part for us parents is wanting to give them unconditional praise, to make respect feel automatic because we love them. But if you do that, the message is: nothing they do makes a difference. And that’s not respect—that’s empty words. Real love includes the faith that your child can meet standards, can grow into a capable adult, and can earn respect. When you model this, quietly but consistently, you’re giving your child the roadmap: love is always there. Respect is the reward for showing up and trying.

Toye Oyelese

And, as we talked about in earlier episodes, all these tools—Process, Primary Responsibility, understanding rules—are about building capability. The real gift isn’t perfect kids, it’s kids who know they’re loved without condition, and who know how to earn respect by becoming their own best friends, by taking care of what matters to them. That’s the relationship you’re building, bit by bit, through all the mess and all the small, compound situations.

Toye Oyelese

So, to every parent who joined me for this series: you’re already doing the work, just by caring, by questioning, by sticking with the process when it’s hard. If there’s one thing I want you to carry forward, it’s that tiny shifts in how you approach these moments add up—much more than any one ‘perfect’ response ever could. Show up. Be patient—with your child and yourself. Focus on the process, keep facilitating instead of taking over, love them unconditionally, and let them earn your respect. That’s how you build capable young adults. Thanks for walking this road with me. I’m Dr. Toye Oyelese, and you’ve got the tools.